resident evil a morons stories
by NyteStalker
Summary: This is a buch of stories that really have nothing to do with each other but fun to read anyways. Read and Review note:on tempory hold
1. storie 1

Resident evil

A morons story

Disclaimer: I don't own resident evil but I sure as hell want to…

Ch. 1 Leon kills himself and the Redfields + some other guy who does not matter any more…

Leon and Clair drove down the street to the house that they had bought just 20 years ago (even though they were not born and that they had not met because they were not born)

"Leon do you realize that we have been dating for 4 years and this is the only time we have ever been alone with no zombies, or ex-ex-s.t.a.r.s, or b.o.w.s, or evil sexy undercover umbrella researchers who are suppose to be dead but survived because he was infected with the t-virus."

"Don't forget the tyrants and guy who wants revenge on umbrella who is very mysterious."

"Oh ya thanks for reminding me about the tyrants and guy who wants revenge on umbrella who is very mysterious."

" Ya I did realize that and I'm very happy we moved as far away from Chris as possible"

Leon pulls up to a house that says just sold and is about to get out when Chris comes out of the house across the street and walks to the car

"Howdy neighbor."

"Hey Chris we moved ass far away from you ass possible. Asshole."

"Hey bro."

"How do you know my name?"

"You told us moron."

"Oh. Howdy neighbor."

"Leon is that man coming out of our house?"

"He's robbing you two. You should stop him."

Leon stomped on the gas and hit the man as the man was walking across the street to a car.

"Oh shit you hit me with a car."

Leon jumped out of the car

"What were you doing in my house fuck face?"

"That my house your house is next door."

"Sure it is I'll come right back"

Leon then ran to his car and popped the trunk and pulled out a rocket launcher and ran back t the man trapped under the car.

"Oh shit."

"Ok wanta tell me what you were doing in my house now?"

"I'm telling you that's my house and your house is next door."

"Oh really."

" Really ass hole I have the deed to my house."

The man pulled out a document saying the house on 11085 Leon fucks sheep dr. is owned by a George Lucas

"Are you the same George Lucas who made star wars?"

"Are you a fan?"

"Hell no I hate them if I had a rocket launcher I would kill you"

Leon then realized that he did have a rocket launcher a fired at the man and killed him but the explosion blew up the car killing Clair. The car also had some c-4 that blew up and that killed Leon in the explosion and Chris was hit by a part of the trunk that had jagged ends on it and went right into his brain.

The end bitch

You may now Wright reviews but beware I have put a curse on this story whom ever wrights good reviews will have the greatest sex of there lives muhahahahaha…o wait that's a good thing a who gives a fuck…


	2. of idiots and tampons

Jill's, Carlo's and Chris's house was as loud as usual as Chris tried once again to kill Carlos.  
"Die you fucking pretty boy. DIE!  
"CHRIS GET OFF CARLOS NOW"  
"Ji...ll...he...l...p...m...e"  
Chris continued to strangle Carlos as Carlos was trying with all his might to fight off the ex-star.  
Jill decided to stop Chris and pulled out a tampon and whack Chris over the head with it. Chris who had fallen to the floor was now in a puddle of blood. Carlos got up and walked over to Jill.  
"Jill...what...did...I do...all i did was take the last RED BULL...oh"  
"you forgot again didn't you? ok let me remind you one last time. CHRIS IS ADDICTED TO RED BULL YOU FUCKIN MORON! NEXT TIME I'LL LET HIM KILL YOU GOT IT"  
Carlos starts to cry.  
"yes mommy please don't hurt me it was an mistake I won't do it again"  
"there there mommy just got a little upset mommy is under a lot of stress because someone was trying to hurt my little angle"  
"I love you mommy"  
"I love you to my little idiot...I mean angle., Ya that's it my little angle"  
"mommy is Chris going to be okay?(please say no)"  
"yes my little angle Chris is going to be alright he is playing in ketchup again that is all"  
(I think my friends and family are putting drugs in my food when I'm not looking)  
"FUCK... I mean that's good...ya that's what I mean"

--half an hour later--

"Ow my head what the fuck happened?"  
(Loss of memory from tampon now we know why guy won't buy them)  
"nothing I just drank the last RED BULL and you tried to kill me aga…"  
Carlos was cut off by Chris's boot being shoved half way up his ass. Chris then progressed to beat the holy fuck and shit out of Carlos, However this time Carlos was ready for Chris as he pulled out a pen and stabbed Chris in the right ass cheek with it. (Ouchy)  
Chris jumped in shock and pulled the pen out starring at it like it was alive.  
Carlos produced a needle with some RED BULL in it and injected it into Chris' other ass cheek.  
Chris now was high on red bull and was smiling at the bloody pen.  
"All hail the mighty bloody ass stabbing pen of might!!"  
(Please for the love of god help me someone please save me from my stupidity!!)  
Jill who had been upstairs playing with her tampon came down stairs to find Carlos smoking a bubble gum cigarette and Chris high on red bull. Jill now thinking she needs to get them some mental help or at least put them in stray jackets then went and wacked those both on the head and both men fell in a puddle of blood.

--One hour later--

Both men are up again and Chris is trying to buy a RED BULL from a drug dealer.  
Carlos was sitting down watching TV. Drinking a soda.  
Jill is back up stairs playing with her tampon. (tampon joke is old)  
suddenly the door bell rings. Chris Quickly ran to the door hoping it was the red bull man but when he opened the door it reviled something MUCH MUCH worse. AN A. Wesker. Chris looks at Wesker and walks back to the drug dealer without saying so much as what the fuck are you doing here?  
"What the fuck is his problem he lose his ass virginity…again?"  
"Red Bulls ran out so he's prissier than a 14 year old on their period. "  
"Really...hmmm."(Bet you ten dollars Wesker is going to do something)  
Wesker than had an evil smile on his face a reached into his pockets to get...two cans of red bull and tossed them to Carlos.  
"Carlos want some red bulls"  
Chris who had turned in time to see Carlos catch the two red bulls ran at him with all his might and body slammed him. Jill who had heard all the racket came down and saw Chris sitting on Carlos drinking a red bull and Wesker sitting there laughing his ass of.(you owe me 10)  
Jill looked at Wesker then at the two men on the floor.  


" Wesker, Still up to no good?"  
"What I didn't do anything but offer Carlos a red bull."(Add evil laugh here)  
Jill then pulled out her tampon and wacked all three men.  
"What The Fuck WAS THAT FOR YOU GOD DAMN COCK SUCKIN ASS MUNCHER"  
Jill wacked Wesker again and again. Wesker tried to fight back but even with his super human strength he was still no match to the tampon.  
"Wesker join me and together we will rule the universe, it is your destiny"  
"true it is my destiny but not with you, you ass fucker. I will destroy your tampon"  
Jill now had a Darth Vader voice changer. She then wacked Chris on the head for no reason what so ever.  
"What the fuck was that for Darth Valentine!?"  
"Because I can my young apprentice."(Isn't Chris like 30 or older? Makes you wonder)  
"If you keep abusing the power of the tampon you to will turn to the dildo side"  
All of a sudden Leon appears from thin air and for some reason he is blue.  
"Beware the power of the dildo side. Do not underestimate the Emfucker.  
Jill may the power of the tampon be with you."(Tampon joke is funny huh)  
"shut the fuck up Leon you god damn pussy… not that you like pussy!!"

"BURN!!"Every one said in union

"Fine I never liked any of you any ways!"  
Chris looks at him with a smile that says finally.  
"Except you Chris I have to like you or else you won't let me marry Clair"  
(who thank fully isn't in this story she's too good to be this stupid)  
Leon then disappears in to thin air.

Jill, who had taken off the Darth Vader voice changer, wacked Carlos in the head.  
"Damn it Jill, stop that tampon hurts and it smells like shit"  
Jill then started to beat the shit out of Carlos with the tampon.  
"**WHAT MY TAMPON SMELLS LIKE SHIT WELL YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT WAIT YOU LOOK WORSE THAN SHIT YOU SHITY COCK SUCKER**"  
Wesker who was watching Jill beat the holy 'shit' out of Carlos was laughing his god damn ass off. Jill turned to Wesker and started to beat the SHIT out of him.  
"I will destroy that evil tampon"  
"**YOU WILL NOT TOUCH MY TAMPON**"  
for the next hour Jill beat the shit out of Carlos and Wesker while Chris got high off of red bull and was gazing at the 'pretty colors'.

The battered and fucked up Carlos and Wesker were on the floor in a puddle of blood and Chris was going to go buy some herbs and first aid sprays at the super health items store (they got good prices on heath orbs and potions)  
"Fucking tampon."  
"I heard that Wesker you want another ass kicking already?"  
Chris who had just gotten back used a Mega elixir from FFVII.  
And by doing so was sued by Square Enix for copy right infringement.  
"Jill I'm going kick your and your tampons ass!"  
"Oh ya you damn bastard? I'll not only own your ass I'll PWN it too!!"  
Jill charged Wesker with her tampon in hand but Wesker waited till the last possible moment to move out of the way causing Jill to run into a mirror he was standing in front of.  
Jill who now had shards of glass in her body turned to Wesker. Wesker smiled super evilly and pulled out two cans of RED BUll and threw them at Jill.  
Jill caught both cans and look really confused at Wesker than back at the red bull cans, she then realized what Wesker was planning but it was too late, Chris dropped kicked Jill in the face and quickly drank the two cans of red bull.  
"You want to play dirty Wesker well let's play dirty mother fucker!"  
Jill pulled out another tampon and it was on. Jill then started to beat the holy fuck out of Wesker she made him look like the fucking pope.  


"Who's the supreme ruler now bitch!?"  
Then all of a sudden she began to transform into a demon and beat Chris for some unknown reason.  
Without warning a Sword came soaring through the air hitting Jill in the face.  
"It's been nearly a year since we last meet."  
"Dante!"  
"Where does the time go!?"  
"I see the devil in you has awakened. "  
"This is what I live for!"  
Jill and Dante started to battle tying to kill one another for some unknown reason…and how they met is also unknown.  
5 days later

Dante and Jill were still fighting. Wesker who needed an elixir was selling tickets to watch the fight between Dante and Jill and has currently made more money than Bill Gates, the U.K., and Russia combined. The I.R.S. is currently trying to shut him down but has had no luck what so ever.  
Dante seems to becoming crazy that there is a demon that he cannot kill while Jill is getting pissed because she hasn't had any time to play with here tampons.

A day before the end of the universe Dante and Jill are still fighting and are so fucked up and crazy they don't remember why they are even fighting in the first place. All they know is that they have been fighting for the last 199 billion years and tomorrow is the 200billion year mark. Everyone they know has long passed away and for some strange reason Wesker who somehow bought the universe and sold it to some demons that enslaved the human race. Even so Jill and Dante fought until the end of the universe and die along with everything else. Except for Chuck Norris who recreated the universe anew with his best and most secret weapon…his round house kick.

The End OR Is It??

Please Read and Review even if you don't have anything kind to say!


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